An LCA Contemplation on the Meaning of Showing Up for Ourselves and Others
Why Showing up Matters
There is something deeply meaningful about someone choosing to show up for us. Not because they have to.
Not because we expect them to. And not because they necessarily know what to say or do. But simply because they care.
Sometimes, it's a friend who calls to check in. A family member who comes to visit during a difficult time. Someone who remembers an important occasion and makes the effort to be there. Or someone who sits beside us, even when neither of us knows what to say.
These moments may seem ordinary, but their meaning can be profound. They remind us that we matter to someone.
That our experiences are worth paying attention to. That there are people who want to be part of our lives, not only when things are difficult, but also when we have something wonderful to share.
And while we often associate support with offering advice, practical help, or finding solutions, there is another form of support we sometimes overlook. The simple act of being present.
What Does It Really Mean to Be Present?
Being present is more than physically occupying the same space as someone. It involves offering our attention, showing genuine interest, and being emotionally available to connect.
We can spend hours in someone's company without truly engaging with them. We can listen while mentally preparing our response, ask how someone is doing without making room for an honest answer, or attend an important occasion without taking much interest in what it means to them.
Presence invites us to move beyond simply being there and become more intentional about how we show up.
It can look like listening without rushing to respond, noticing when someone seems quieter than usual, remembering something they've shared with us, or taking a genuine interest in an experience that matters to them.
And sometimes, presence requires very little conversation at all. A comfortable silence, a reassuring gesture, or the willingness to spend time together can communicate care in ways that words cannot always capture.
In psychology, a related concept is known as perceived responsiveness: the experience of feeling understood, valued, and cared for by another person. Researchers Harry Reis, Margaret Clark, and John Holmes (2004) describe responsiveness as an important process through which people develop feelings of closeness and intimacy.
In other words, the significance of our presence is not measured only by whether we are physically there, but also by whether our actions help another person feel that they matter to us.
Why Our Presence Can Make a Difference
Human beings are social by nature. From the earliest stages of life, we depend on relationships for care, protection, connection, and emotional development.
Think about a newborn baby. Babies depend on their caregivers not only for food and physical safety, but also for support in regulating their physiological and emotional states. Research on skin-to-skin contact demonstrates that physical closeness can support aspects of newborn regulation, including body temperature and physiological stability.
Another well-known example comes from developmental psychologist Edward Tronick and his colleagues. In their 1978 research, commonly associated with the Still-Face Experiment, infants interacted with their mothers as usual before the mothers temporarily became emotionally unresponsive. Although the mothers remained physically present, the babies often attempted to regain their attention and showed signs of distress when their efforts were unsuccessful.
The experiment illustrates an important distinction: physical presence and responsive connection are not the same thing.
As we grow older, we develop greater independence and the ability to regulate many of our emotions ourselves. But our relationships can continue to play an important role in how we experience and respond to the world.
One explanation comes from Social Baseline Theory, which proposes that our brains take the availability of trusted others into account when responding to challenges. An interesting study by Coan, Schaefer, and Davidson (2006) explored this through brain imaging. Sixteen married women were exposed to the possibility of receiving an electric shock while either holding their husband's hand, holding a stranger's hand, or holding no one's hand.
The researchers found reduced activity in several brain regions associated with threat responses when the women held their husband's hand. The effects were also influenced by the quality of the marriage. Their partners had not removed the possibility of a shock. Yet their presence, expressed through a simple act of physical connection, was associated with a measurable difference in how the women's brains responded to the threat.
Of course, this was a small study involving a specific form of contact, and we cannot assume that every interaction produces the same response. Nevertheless, it illustrates something important: Support does not always have to take the form of words, advice, or solutions to make a difference.
Showing Up When We Don't Know What to Say
Most of us have experienced moments when someone we care about was going through something difficult, and we simply didn't know how to help. Perhaps they were grieving, experiencing emotional exhaustion, struggling with their health, navigating a relationship difficulty, or facing a situation we had never personally experienced.
We may have worried about saying the wrong thing. We may have wondered whether our visit, phone call, or message would actually make a difference. And sometimes, because we don't know what to do, we end up doing very little.
But consider what it can mean when someone makes the effort to check in. They may not fully understand what we're experiencing. They may not be able to change our circumstances. They may even admit that they have no idea what to say. Yet they still make time for us. They ask how we're doing. They listen. They stay a little longer. They offer company.
Their actions communicate something that can be deeply reassuring: “You matter to me. I care about what you're going through. I want to be here for you.”
Psychological research helps explain why these gestures can be meaningful.
In their 1985 review, researchers Cohen and Wills examined how social support relates to psychological well-being and stress. They found evidence that social support can be beneficial through our broader sense of connection, as well as its potential to buffer the effects of stressful experiences.
Importantly, their research also highlights the significance of knowing that support is available when we need it.
Because support isn't always about what someone can do for us. Sometimes, simply knowing that someone cares enough to be there can make a meaningful difference.
And sometimes, what we remember most is not what someone said during a difficult period.
It's that they came. It's that they called. It's that they made time.
Sometimes, showing up is the support.
The Power of Co-Regulation
There is another psychological process that helps us understand the importance of human connection: co-regulation.
Co-regulation refers to the ways people can influence and support one another's emotional and physiological regulation through interaction.
When we feel overwhelmed, anxious, upset, or emotionally exhausted, connecting with someone we trust can sometimes help us feel more settled. This may happen through a calm conversation, reassuring touch when welcome, patient listening, or simply spending time with someone whose presence feels safe and familiar.
Researchers Zaki and Williams (2013) describe interpersonal emotion regulation, highlighting how people often turn to others to help shape their emotional experiences.
This challenges the idea that managing our emotions is always something we must do entirely on our own.
We can develop our own emotional regulation skills while also benefiting from supportive relationships.
Imagine having a particularly difficult day. You come home feeling overwhelmed, and someone notices.
They don't immediately ask you to explain everything. They don't rush to offer solutions. Instead, they sit with you, listen when you're ready to talk, and allow you to take your time.
Gradually, you may notice that you feel less tense, more understood, or more capable of processing what happened.
The situation itself may not have changed, but your emotional experience of it may have.
Of course, co-regulation does not mean that another person's presence will automatically make us feel better. What feels supportive to one person may feel overwhelming to another. Some people appreciate conversation or physical closeness, while others need quiet, distance, or time alone. Effective support involves paying attention to these differences.
Being present is not about deciding what someone should need. It is about being attentive to what actually supports them.
Showing Up for the Good Moments, Too
Presence matters just as much when life gives us something to celebrate. And this is an aspect of human connection we don't always give enough attention to.
Think about how meaningful it can be when someone remembers your graduation, celebrates your birthday, attends an event you've worked hard to organize, or takes a genuine interest in something you're excited about.
It tells you that your happiness matters to them. That your achievements are worth acknowledging. That they want to share in the moments that are meaningful to you.
And it doesn't have to involve a major life event. Someone might share that they've finally started a hobby, made progress toward a personal goal, received positive feedback at work, or found the courage to do something they've been postponing.
How we respond can make a difference.
“Do we acknowledge their excitement?”
“Ask questions?”
“Celebrate their progress?”
“Give them room to enjoy what they've accomplished?”
In relationship psychology, the process of sharing positive experiences with others is known as capitalization.
Researchers Gable and colleagues (2004) found that sharing positive events was associated with additional positive emotions and well-being, particularly when others responded with genuine enthusiasm and interest. They also found that relationships characterized by enthusiastic responses to good news were associated with greater relationship well-being. This is sometimes described as active-constructive responding.
For example, when someone tells us they've received a promotion, we might respond with:
“That's wonderful! I know how much you've worked for this. How are you feeling about it?”
Rather than simply saying congratulations and moving on, we take an interest in their experience.
We make room for their joy.
And sometimes, our physical presence at an important occasion communicates that same enthusiasm.
We attend, because we want to witness the moment with them. Because we recognize its significance.
Because their happiness matters to us.
Showing up is not just about being there when someone is struggling. It's also about being there when they are thriving.
When Someone Says, “You Don't Have To”
There are moments when someone tells us that we don't have to make the effort.
“You don't have to come.”
“You don't need to do that for me.”
“It's okay, I understand if you're busy.”
Sometimes, these words express a genuine preference for space, and respecting that preference is an important part of caring for someone. But other times, they come from a reluctance to inconvenience others.
Someone may genuinely appreciate our company while feeling uncomfortable asking us to rearrange our plans or make an extra effort. And there can be something meaningful about realizing that another person wants to be there, even when they have no obligation to.
Not because we insist on being included, but because we communicate that their presence in our lives is worth our time and attention.
We might say:
“I'd really love to be there. It would mean a lot to celebrate this with you.”
Or:
“I know there's not much I can do to change the situation, but I'd love to come by and spend some time with you, if you'd like that.”
These are small expressions of care, but they communicate willingness. And willingness matters.
There is a difference between someone feeling obligated to show up and knowing that someone genuinely wants to. Sometimes, the effort itself becomes part of what makes the moment meaningful.
For some people, having someone genuinely show up for them is not a familiar experience. They may have grown up or moved through life without consistently experiencing what it feels like when someone makes time for them, takes an interest in their experiences, or chooses to be present simply because they care.
It can introduce them to a different experience of connection. One in which they don't always have to initiate contact, ask for attention, or wonder whether their experiences matter to someone else.
Over time, experiences like these can also become part of healing. They can help us discover that care, attention, and emotional availability are things we can experience in our relationships, even when they haven't always been part of our lives. And regardless of what we have experienced ourselves, we also have the opportunity to consider the kind of presence we want to offer others.
Showing Up for Ourselves
While presence plays an important role in our relationships with others, there is another relationship that deserves the same attention. The relationship we have with ourselves.
“How often do we show up for everyone else while overlooking our own experiences?”
We may be quick to acknowledge someone else's progress, while dismissing our own achievements.
We may encourage others to rest, while expecting ourselves to keep going. We may listen compassionately when someone is struggling, but become critical of ourselves when we experience similar difficulties.
Showing up for ourselves means learning to offer ourselves some of the same attention, understanding, and care that we value in our relationships. This includes acknowledging when something is difficult, recognizing when we need support, making room for our emotions, and taking our needs seriously.
But it also means celebrating ourselves. Recognizing our progress. Allowing ourselves to feel proud. Making time for experiences that bring us joy and meaning.
One psychological concept closely connected to this is self-compassion. Self-compassion involves responding to our own suffering or perceived shortcomings with understanding and care rather than excessive self-criticism.
A 2023 meta-analysis by researchers Han and Kim, involving 56 randomized controlled trials, found that interventions designed to develop self-compassion showed small to moderate benefits for symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress immediately after treatment, although the researchers also identified limitations in the quality of the evidence.
While self-compassion is not identical to presence, it helps illustrate why the way we respond to our own experiences matters. We can learn to notice what we're feeling without immediately judging ourselves for it. We can acknowledge that we're having a difficult time without demanding that we move past it straight away. And we can give ourselves permission to appreciate our achievements without comparing them to someone else's. Showing up for ourselves means recognizing that our own experiences deserve our attention, too.
Learning to be present with ourselves can also help us become more aware of how we show up in our relationships. When we recognize our own feelings, needs, and limits, we are better positioned to approach others with intention and care. At the same time, this is not something we have to master before we can support others. Our relationships can also help us develop the awareness, understanding, and compassion we are learning to offer ourselves.
Making Presence Part of Everyday Life
The power of presence becomes especially meaningful when we recognize that it doesn't have to depend on extraordinary gestures. We can practice it in the ordinary moments that make up our daily lives.
We can check in on someone without waiting for them to ask. We can remember the things that matter to the people we love. We can listen with curiosity rather than assuming we already understand.
We can make time to celebrate someone's progress, even when their achievement might seem small from our perspective. We can notice when someone needs a little extra support and ask what would be helpful.
And we can extend that same care toward ourselves. We can take a moment to recognize what we're experiencing, acknowledge our needs, celebrate our progress, or allow ourselves to enjoy something meaningful without immediately moving on to the next responsibility.
Presence doesn't require us to be available at all times. It doesn't require perfect attention, endless emotional capacity, or the ability to understand every experience someone shares.
There will be moments when we cannot attend an event, have the energy for a conversation, or offer the support someone is hoping for. And that doesn't mean we don't care.
What matters is that we approach our relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves, with intention. That we recognize the importance of the moments we share.
And that when we have the opportunity to show up, we don't automatically underestimate what our presence might mean.
The Difference Our Presence Can Make
We may never fully know what our presence means to another person. We may not realize how much someone appreciated our visit, how reassuring it was to receive our message, or how meaningful it felt to see us celebrating alongside them.
Sometimes, the difference we make is visible. Someone smiles, relaxes, opens up, or tells us how grateful they are.
Other times, the significance of our presence is something they carry with them quietly.
And that is what makes presence so powerful.
It reminds us that meaningful connections are not built only through extraordinary gestures or life-changing conversations. They are also nurtured through the small, everyday moments in which we intentionally make room for ourselves and one another. Through our attention. Through our willingness. Through our care.
Because ultimately, showing up is about more than simply being there. It's about the care we communicate through our presence.
A Moment of Reflection
Take a moment to consider the role of presence in your own life.
Can you remember a time when someone's presence meant more to you than anything they could have said or done?
How do you let the people in your life know that they matter to you, both during difficult moments and joyful ones?
What does showing up for yourself look like in your everyday life?
Is there someone whose presence has made a meaningful difference in your life, and have you ever let them know?
What kind of person do you want to be in the way you show up for yourself and others?
Sometimes, reflecting on the people who have shown up for us can also remind us of the kind of presence we want to offer in return.
References & Further Reading
Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy. Read the chapter
Tronick, E., Als, H., Adamson, L., Wise, S., & Brazelton, T. B. (1978). The infant's response to entrapment between contradictory messages in face-to-face interaction. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 17(1), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0002-7138(09)62273-1
Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x
Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.98.2.310
Zaki, J., & Williams, W. C. (2013). Interpersonal emotion regulation. Emotion, 13(5), 803–810. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033839
Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228
Han, A., & Kim, T. H. (2023). Effects of self-compassion interventions on reducing depressive symptoms, anxiety, and stress: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 14, 1553–1581. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-023-02148-x
Ionio, C., Ciuffo, G., & Landoni, M. (2021). Parent-infant skin-to-skin contact and stress regulation: A systematic review of the literature. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(9), 4695. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18094695
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